We have a very long-winded speaker...

I'd like to do an impersonation of David Hamilton, except that I don't want to spend an hour making just one point.

I don't mean this. I promise.

You know, there's a saying about Koreans... Can't live with 'em... .

It's been working...

There's a guy named Erik KIM that makes the occasional rude comment, so I've taken to squirting him with water after such comments to condition him to stop. I find that water is a great, non-violent way to train pets and Koreans.

Wingardium Leviosa!

JK Rowling is obviously not encouraging kids to learn witchcraft. She's trying to teach us Latin!

Here's Your Sign...

"I got the 7th book on the midnight that it came out, and then I finished it by the following midnight."

"So do you like them?"

"No. I was really eager to read it because I hate them."

"Cory, do you have any problems with the Harry Potter books?"

"Well, no, but when I finished them, I felt this overwhelming urge to go worship Satan."

I'm not a salad guy...

Erik: "What's for dinner tonight?"
Me: "They don't really have one tonight. There's just a bunch of salad out there."
Erik: "Really?"
Me: "I mean they're serving chef salad for dinner tonight."
Erik: "Oh."

One week had a Korean translator...

Our speaker that week was really good, but that Korean guy kept interrupting him.

(Our speaker is old...)

Speaker: "I lived before there were computers."
My mind: "That's not really living."

So awful...

"Our trip to Rwanda includes at least a two week stint in Uganda. We'll be working with child soldiers there."

"What will you be doing with them?"

"By 'working,' I mean 'training.' We find we get more bang for our buck with child soldiers than we do when we use conventional soldiers."

At our community service night...

I was wearing gloves to hand out cookies, and a lady hands me a pair of tongs, saying it's more hygienic that way, and I really wanted to say, "Oh that's great. These will also be useful for scratching my arse."

Canadian Humor

I learned a construction coworker enjoyed racist humor, and after I shared a bunch of jokes about Mexicans, he said, "Oh yeah, I guess you guys have jokes about Mexicans. For us, it's Natives." "Like what?"

"How do you starve a Native?

Hide his welfare check under his work boots."

She was talking about the candy...

"My favorite are the yellow Nerds."

"You know, 'Asian' is the more politically correct term."

I'm not making this up.

There's a book that the SBS'ers have to read where it has 30 days of prayer for 30 injustices (one each day). Here's a section of the list...

...
14. Abortion
15. Eating Disorders
16. China
17. Drugs Abuse
18. Human Trafficking
...

China? l.o.l.

That's What She Said!!!!

"I thought there was a bone in there, so I was just going around it, but the whole thing is hard." (The pork chop was tough.)
"Just put it in the back side." (of the truck)
"Go ahead. I can take it." ([don't censor your jokes for me])
"Just stick it in my mouth." (a slice of the pizza on my lap while riding on a truck; she stuck her head through the window and saw it.)
"Do it to yourself." (the analysis that the lecturer was doing to students)

Haha

I hope I'm an optimist, but I'm probably a pessimist.

Deep Thoughts*

If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

I'd rather be short than dumb.

Just kidding!

I think I'm going to be completely appropriate during outreach, because there won't be any Koreans to make fun of. However, I am deathly afraid of black people, so that might be an issue.

Definitely Too Far Across the Line to Say...

Genocide humor isn't too popular these days, but...

My number one pick was India, so Dhishan told me to start learning about cricket. I ended up getting Rwanda, so I figured I ought to get into their national sport. The problem is, I'm not that great with a machete.

I totally said this...

I think we all struggle with insecurity about our looks at some point.
And we could learn to stop comparing ourselves to others.
Or we could just get rid of the Brazilians. That would lower the bar.

I didn't actually tell her this...

We had outreach tonight. There were different choices. I chose to serve dinner to a poor Marshallese community. They were mostly kids. The staff leader said if we can think of any projects for the kids to do, don't be shy about sharing. I didn't share, but I wanted to say, "Well, we could have them make clothes. I hear that's popular in some parts of the world."

Also, I was dishing bread onto plates, and we gave indiscriminately, but after seeing some kids, I chuckled to myself over the idea of saying, "Whoa there. No carbs for you."

An Actual Conversation...

(Our construction supervisor is an old guy named Larry.)
(Scott is one of my coworkers. He did a door handle backwards and had to redo it.)

Scott: "Sorry Larry. Just a brain fart."
Larry: "Where do you get that kind of language?"
Scott: "Oh sorry. I picked that up working up with my uncle."
Larry: "Well, the Bible says to only say wholesome words, so it's definitely something to think about."
Scott: "Is it the word 'fart' or just the concept of a 'brain fart'?"
Larry: "Well, just ask the Lord about it. Cause if He's neutral, than maybe you want to error on the side of caution. But it's definitely something to think about."

When Larry walks away, Scott said to me, "I wanted to say, 'Sorry Larry. I guess I just fucked up.'"

I've been making jokes about getting to say the word fart ever since.

Oh Stereotypes...

We're all gathered around to be picked up by the van, except for this one individual. I won't give any labels, but she has like a billion look-alikes. Anyway, she sat by herself and pulls out a really nice camera...

Work Duties

They were trying to pick a work duty for me, and I didn't want to do landscaping, so I assured them that my Spanish isn't that good.

A good comeback...

"If you're going to be that mean, then your low self esteem is just good common sense."

From an actual conversation (with an 18-year-old)...

Me: "Do you speak any languages?"

Her: "I took some Spanish. How bout you?"

"I speak Spanish."

"Oh! Como esta?"

"Bien."

"Hahahaha. 'Bien' is French. You mean 'bueno'."

Otra Vez*

In soccer, if you play too hard, you get a yellow card. If you're even more aggressive, you get a red card. And if you play really really hard, you get a green card.

Old News*

There was a terrible earthquake in Mexico, in which many people died. France announced it would send food, the UK said it would send water, and the United States would send replacement Mexicans.

an Asian by any other name...

My brother in law said they should make women and old people renew their driver's licenses every few years.

I said, "That is repulsive to me. It is unfair and stupid to not include Asians on that list."

again with the asian humor...

"OK mom, Quick Books has been updated onto your laptop. I removed the hard drive from your old computer and I'll take your computer to Best Buy for recycling. What are you going to do when I'm gone?"

"I have no idea."

"Maybe you could adopt an Asian for your IT needs."

Ducks

"When are you free?"

"I'm unemployed, so I have the next 240 hours free."

"I can't do math, so..."

"10 days."

"Oh I get it. Cause there's 24 hours in a day and you have every hour free. So where'd you go to school?"

"OSU." [She glares at me, so I ask her,] "Are you a Duck?"

"Yes"

"I kinda figured after the 240 hour thing."

heh...

My coworker drives a Cadillac (all my coworkers drive really nice cars), and he said he was planning on lowering it, and I asked what the advantage was, and he said it's mainly about how it looks. I know some guys raise their trucks for the same reason. I suppose one could lower a truck for aesthetics, but my Spanish isn't nearly good enough to pull that off.

For example,

"You're going to be rooming with Koreans."

"Aw, what'd I do?"